13 posts tagged “musings”
I know it for sure when the study mood hits in. It's a fact that my mind wanders a lot, I dream a lot and think about the the future when what's in the present hasn't been settled yet.
Then one day I wake up with a dead sense of calm, and I know that it is time for me to wake up. My mind works faster, and my absorbtion of information increases significantly. I'm not saying I'm some sort of superhero. I'm just impressed at the way my body and mind responds almost on instinct as if it had always a life of its own - just lying dormant until the time draws near. The subconscious, maybe? Whatever it is, there is this underlying sense of thrill as the deadlines draw near, and some part of me wants to rise up to accept this challenge, to push my own boundaries. I'm inherrently competitive against myself. Maybe that's why I hope to continue in academia - it offers me a satisfaction that I don't think I can get anywhere else for now.
Once all this is over, I'm going to take a damn good break.
Sometimes it is not what we are faced with that scares us deeply, but the unknown that might happen to us as a result that is truely frightening. In life, people are such that they are more comfortable in the confines of what is obvious and observable to them, and when this is taken away, uncertainty, doubt and despair kicks in. Even in madness, the mind retreats to a place that protects it from further trauma. This probably stems from the belief that we are unable to have control of anything except our mind and bodies, hence this need to exert some form of control, or autonomy.
What if one day we discover that we are but insignificant in this world? just a tiny speck of dust that gets blown away when the wind comes?
With the lovely gf and two other friends whom I've been attending classes with for the past couple of years. Must say that it was fun to cycle around Pasir Ris Park for a while, and while I was worried that my back would just start acting up again, thank goodness it didnt. It's nice to have friends you can have fun with, and this is coming from someone like me who never felt that it was important to keep long term relationships with people. I think I'm going to have to change my mind.
So now I'm ready to study for the exams.
Hoho. Tried mongolian steamboat today, and loved it. Stella probably won't take too nicely with the mutton (right, dear?), so I guess if I do take her there she'll have to try the beef, pork or chicken. The soup base was fantastic.
Andy's leaving next tuesday for China, and then a couple of other countries in the region for his video shoots. Interesting job I must say. It seems like all the gamer friends I do know are flying here and there around the world while I'm stuck in sunny Singapore.
Are you taking the time off to smell the roses?
That was Feli's title for the mail she sent me some time back. While I've not heard from her in a while, the mail still remained in my inbox and when I took a look at the title this morning, it brought about a couple of thoughts about stuff that has been going on of late.
I had a long talk with Stella last night. I've been feeling tired and drained lately due to school, and I just needed to tell someone. As much as I go to classes and presentations with a strong front, that doesn't mean that I don't feel the stress that everyone else feels. I'm human too, remember.
I figured out that this has mainly got to do with my perception of the competitiveness of the academic system. Especially in modules where you get 74 percentile in your test and you're just average. It's small things like that that get to me. There's something inside of me that doesn't want to just be mediocre. Maybe Hong was right in saying that sometimes people have nothing else to be proud about, so they just hang on to something that they can be proud in, and perhaps that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I don't feel that any other aspect of my life is particularly great, hence the strong focus in my studies.
I'm losing myself. I've felt it since the start of the semester but I've not looked towards addressing it. The truth of the matter is that I'm doing well in school. In fact I've never done so well throughout the period of my education. 74 for Interactional discourse test, 13/15 for my Semantics and Pragmatics, A- for my Discourse Analysis test, 80 for my Literary Stylistics paper which I just got back. I'm not in danger of doing badly or anything. I'm just aiming too high. Constantly trying to beat myself. Constantly feeling guilty that I can do better but am not. That's why I feel the urgent need to move away from the results and just enjoy school, you know what I mean?
Sheena mentioned to me that she's never seen me so stressed before university, but she'll stand by me whatever path I choose to take in future. After all, as Andy and her mentioned, it's really about the process and not the results. I'm really thankful for friends like that who care. Thanks guys.
Stop to smell the roses.
being able to talk to the person who matters most to you on the phone late into the night.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us
-Marianne Williamson
I personally feel that in a world that is so unrelentles and mundane, we sometimes need to step back for a while and get away, to truely recharge and remember who we really are.
You know how problems all start to hit you at around the same time? Yeah it is the same here for me, just that it has much to do with people's problems hitting me at the same time.
I'm used to being the aunt-agony, and I really don't mind being there for my friends. However when it reaches a point whereby everyone's problems start to resemble a pattern, then I think that there is something to be said about that. I've noticed that a couple of close friends have started developing what I call as "questions about their own identity". Indeed, they are tortured, and confused as to who they really are, whether what they believe in still holds true, and whether what they want is where they are heading towards. A grueling and painful process, but I somehow feel that it will come to you sooner or later. It's part of growing, like how a butterfly gains its wings. And there are some things that you'll have to come to terms with within yourself.
However that doesn't mean that one should keep things within. As I mentioned to Stella a couple of nights back, telling your problem to someone, or putting it down in words, gives physical shape to the problem which would otherwise prove elusive if one just broods over it. Call it the power of linguistics and language or whatever, but that's the fact of the matter. And once you are able to see this problem in front of you, can you begin looking at it and thinking about how you would want to make sense of it. Therefore write it down, talk to someone, pray, or do whatever it takes, but try not to keep it within yourself. Being one who keeps things inside when I'm down, I know how it doesn't work, and over the years I've learnt to open up to those who don't judge and I can trust.
May you find yours too.
Ah, globalisation. Have you forgotten about those who do not even have the means to own technology?
